May Our Lives Be Full of Thanks and Giving

This is the theme this week for Beginning Conversations – the domestic abuse intervention groups of Relationship Risk Solutions.

Usually, I’m talking about gratitude as a counter to anger. While I certainly know that domestic abuse is not about anger management, people who are abusive are also often angry. Any of us may be angry. With good reason or not.

One of the men in our group shared something he had learned while in substance abuse treatment. Every morning, before engaging with the world, he takes time for a mindfulness exercise. He identifies four things he is grateful for. Not just a superficial “grateful I’m alive” or “grateful for what have.” And certainly not the same thing every day.

Rather, he considers big and little things in and of his life. I’m grateful for the unsolicited hug from my teenager yesterday. I’m grateful for the blanket made by my grandmother that I slept under last night. I’m grateful for the two hours I had last weekend that I had nothing else to do but sit quietly in my yard looking over my yardwork. I’m grateful that I live where there is not active bombing and war every day.

After spending a few minutes to appreciate what he is grateful for, he writes his thoughts on a piece of paper that he carries with him all day. When he feels himself being escalated, he pulls out that paper and reviews what he is grateful for.

Gratitude and anger can’t exist in the same space in your mind and body

This exercise is particularly useful at this time of year when many find themselves depressed about their lives. They might not be able to celebrate holidays as they did in the past due to PFAs or custody arrangements. They might have criminal charges pending with possible scary consequences. They might not have finances they need or want.

Gratitude and depression also can’t exist in the same space in your mind and body.

When you consciously identify what you have to be grateful for, you begin to lift depression. Then you lift it further by giving. Doing something for someone else – something that does not directly benefit you – is an action that can raise spirits. (Oops. It actually does benefit you directly!)

Thinking of creative ways to do giving is in itself an opposition to depression. It’s also an activity to counter entitlement in children. (Oops. That’s also another benefit for you.)

Giving is, then, something to be grateful for.

May all our lives be full of thanks and giving!